* Rawrrrr its Melly :3

Melissa Jean Postis.
I love koalas and tigers.
I Like titties and penis.
I want to be a marine biologist.
I don't trust many people.
I live in florida.
I listen to pretty much all music.
Follow my other tumblr for my interests and less personal shit. (http://mellysaysrawr.tumblr.com/)

You know how I know when I’m intrigued by someone?

I write about them. I have little notes with random facts about you hidden away, or little things that I think about you. I have this urge to just write and write until none of it makes any sense. I write everything down and then I wonder what you would say if you ever saw it. Then I think of how screwed I’d be if you were to ever see my tumblr, Or go through my desk.

I write about you all the time, and I call you my babe.

Even if you aren’t mine yet. I think about what it would be like to hug you and What it would be like to kiss you and what it would be like to fuck you.

sometimes, I sit here with absolutely nothing written down, just thinking about you, and I have nothing to say, but that’s just with you. I always know what I’m feeling and how to describe people.

But you just take all the words away from me.

Your dimples, your smile in full just makes me go crazy.

I love that smile, I love being the one to put that smile there.

I really fucking like you. what I know of you atleast.

I hope I don’t find any dealbreakers.

I think I’d be happy with you, Even though I’m sure I’d get jealous of your flirting. I would love to be with you actually. for some reason, nothing really matters when me and you are talking. Its nice not to be worried about anything. I would like to tell myself that I should be, because I don’t need to be hurt again, But I trust you. I don’t know why, you haven’t done anything to prove yourself trustworthy. Infact, if anything, you’ve proven yourself a bit sketchy. I’ve known you, what? a month? and I’ve already heard that you used to compete with your friends to see who could get the most girls to like them.

I hope you’re being honest about that not being true anymore.

I have a good feeling about you.

but I also have a bad one.

I don’t know which feeling to trust.

I don’t think this really makes much sense. but shit, this situation doesn’t make alot of sense either.

We are nothing and everything.

The truth is, Nothing really matters. we’re all just taking up space, we just invented this idea that changing things around make us meaningful. We, whoever You’d like to consider we as, whether it’s People or all living things or living AND dead things or god and the thing’s he has created, We are boredom. But the thing is, we use ourselves, boredom, to get things built or bills passed or paint, or shit.. type to make up everything, which in return is still nothing. so basically, we’re all a big fat mindfuck

I’m worried about you

I don’t like to worry. It’s a sign that I care. I’ve tried to stop thinking about you, it hasn’t worked for longer then an hour. I can see where this is headed.

 I don’t like the person I am when I like someone. I put myself aside no matter what. They can be a total dick but if they still continue to keep contact I’ll want to know how they are. I feel like I’m not me. I also get paranoid. I think about which of his facebook friend are his exes and if he likes me more or less than I like him. My brain never stops. I’m not sure if the doubts stop after awhile. If they do it takes longer then My longest relationship. I hope you aren’t hurt. I hope you aren’t upset. I hope you aren’t just doing this so I won’t bother you anymore. I wish I knew if you actually liked me or not. I can’t tell if you’re playing me or if you actually enjoy talking to me. The stories you told me about your little group of guys who wanted to woo women make me worry that you just want to woo me for the hell of it. I am so afraid of being hurt but I have hope that you’ll be different. Horrible combination.

What the hell do we need to have a talk about and where did you disappear to?

I hate how much I give people

I don’t mean as in actual gifts, I like giving people gifts, but I hate how much I give myself to a person if i care about them. I don’t understand why I do it. It doesn’t matter what they do, how they treat me, what they think of me, all that matters is that I care about them, so they get my respect and my time and my trust and ME. they get it all. I absolutely hate it. because nobody is ever grateful. they all eventually treat me like shit, I get hurt and end up with nothing. I think it’s why I gave up. I just completely give up and everyone and everything. I have no hope for any human being left. I just want to live and die and that’s it.

I’ll do whatever good deeds there are to do, but I can’t love people the way I thought loving was before. is just isn’t possible for me anymore

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore

I don’t know what the big picture is, or who cares about me, or what my plans are.

I just know that through most of life, you’re going to be alone, and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it gives you time to be just that, you. there isn’t some fairy that goes around telling you what you enjoy and what decision you’re going to make, who you’re going to marry, if anyone. there isn’t anyone who is making up who you are, maybe there are people who are teaching you, or hurting you, or deceiving you, but the fact is that they aren’t doing any of that for your sake, they’re doing it because it’s apart of who they are. So the fact is that, your friends, your enemies, your parents, your sibling, everybody is living for themself. so I guess, in a way, I do know what I’m doing, I am being me and I will continue to do so, and I won’t give up on my life, because what else is there to do after giving up life? I guess there is the rest of eternity, whether you are alive or dead, By the way I don’t consider being alive and living to be the same thing. You either rot in a hole or float through the wind, live as a ghost, go to heaven or hell, or become something or someone else, and all except for the last, are peace, and the fact is once things are truly in peace, they can’t be anything but that, so while you are alive and with your memories (referring to the last possible belief) why not just be you?

It isn’t helping

The numbness from the lexapro is making me even more anxious. I just feel like I’m not in control. This is not helping my anxiety at all. My depression? Maybe a little bit, but I can put up with that, what I need help with is these god damn anxiety attacks.

I feel so wrong hating you

hating anybody. I’ve never hated anyone before. But you, I just can’t help it. Everything that has to do with you I hate the hell out of. I wish what happened, never did. I would know nothing of the person you truly are. But now that I know, I just can’t stop hating you. I also can’t stop wishing you were the person I thought you were. The person I thought you were was pretty fucking awesome. After that shit happened, I brushed it off at first, I kept my distance from you and made sure there was always somebody else in the room while you were, I tried to speak to you as little as possible, You still stared, and you still made me feel very uncomfortable. The pressure kept building, when you were living in the trailer, I had to be really brave, I had to come over and see my little cousins, because They love me, and I love them, and Danny would have been very sad if I didn’t, So I would Go over and ignore you, stay close to aunt Jackie, or play with Danny and Jimmy. Until that one night where YOU were the one picking me up from my mother’s to bring me over. I tried to make up excuses as to why I wanted Grandpa to drive me, or aunt Jackie to come, but I couldn’t think of a good enough one, you picked me up, and we were driving over, I was paying very close attention to where you were driving and what you were doing, I was pretty damn quiet. you started fucking with my head, saying we were gonna go up the mountain for awhile, i was fucking terrified. it ended up that you were just taking a different way. You told my aunt what you said and how scared I was and you both laughed. After that I always said I wanted to spend time with My mother when she asked if I wanted to spend the night over there. Then you all moved in, it was grandpa, my mother, my aunt, Danny and Jimmy, and you. Whenever I came to visit after that i was always nervous, I had to talk to you a lot more then I did before, I had to pass your room to go to the kitchen or the living room, I had to know that you were staring at me and just ignore it, I was a bit older, I knew that what you did was wrong by then, I always knew, but I didn’t know WHY it was wrong. I put up with you until I found out that you were jacking off in the car when you were driving my mother to the store, you knew she couldn’t drive herself. You knew that she didn’t want you to. You are the father of her sister’s children. What type of person does that shit? What type of person disrespects there (so called) wife like that? Or the person who helped you when you needed to be helped? After I found out about that, I was no longer just uncomfortable, I was MAD. I had never been that angry before. When I found out about what you were doing to her, I couldn’t act like you knew better now, that you learned your lesson, cause you didn’t. You did this shit to an eleven year old girl, and your wife’s sister. you are  STILL fucked up in the head. after all this time. I tried to tell myself that you had changed, I tried to just forgive and forget, and it was somewhat working until I found out you were disrespecting my mother, the person I care about the most. The anxiety had hit me again, it never stopped really, but now it was hitting me HARD. I had to tell somebody, So I did, By that time you moved into an apartment with aunt jackie and the kids, I told My counselor and she thought i should tell my parents, and she was right, I told my father first, He was very calm about it all, He knew I cared about my aunt and cousins , and that I didn’t want you to get in too much trouble because of that, He told me that whatever I wanted to do, He would support me, Later that night I called my mother and told her, she was mad as hell, but she kept calm at first, after a few days she got even more mad, she told me that I Had to report him, I knew that already, but hearing her say it made me feel more sure about it, So I reported you, and The police had child protective service sent to your house to check everything out, because of the kids. You have been a parasite you know? my mother has been crying on the phone with me almost every night we talk. You might not have got to me directly, but by getting to her, you have gotten me royally pissed off. I hate your guts, I think I always will, and I feel horrible for it, maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive, I will never care about you again, or speak to you again, but maybe I’ll forgive. Just because I hate you, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you to be okay. I want you to be okay because if you aren’t neither will my cousins. You are lucky I care so much about them, Because If i didn’t I would make sure you get the worst of karma. And even though I DO, in a way, care about you, I will make sure you at least know that you can’t get away with what you’ve done to us. Not anymore. Now I know that you and Jackie and Grandma Don’t really care. The good thing? I know that I have my mother, Uncle mike, my father, my grandfather, my friends, and my mothers friends. I know that people like you need to be stopped, no matter who it is that you are abusing, you have to be stopped so that little kid knows how wrong it was for you to do what you’ve done.

hard rock

hard rock